| When your child comes out of the closet |
| By Angela Ardis |
Published
02/27/2008
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FrontPAGE - IntermXx
| Unrated |
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Abuse and violence at the hands of their peers
Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth who are of school age in the United States often suffer daily harassment, abuse and violence at the hands of their peers.
These students spend an excessive amount of energy figuring out how to get to and from school safely, avoiding the hallways when other students are present in an effort to escape slurs and shoves, cutting gym classes to escape being beaten up. In other words, attempting to become invisible.
For some, the burden of coping each day with unyielding harassment is too much. They drop out of school. Some commit suicide and many others barely survive. There are those who take a stand, demanding that school administrations ensure their safety, that recognition of gays and lesbians be integrated into the curriculum, that they be allowed to organize gay-straight student groups and that they be encouraged to celebrate their identities. Homosexuality is not the taboo subject it once was and it is almost inevitable that you will have to talk to your child or children about what it means to be gay. What would you do?
Parents need to consider their own feelings and attitudes. If you think that suggesting a person is “homosexual” is an insult, your child will get the message that you think being homosexual is bad and you’ve added power to the name calling. If parents or teachers are alarmed or repulsed by atypical gender behavior, children are taught to fear differences and to value conformity. They are less free to appreciate their own uniqueness or the uniqueness of others.
When people come out, they often question their place in society. They wonder how they will fit in with the family. Will they still have a family? Get married? Have children? How will their church or faith community accept them? Will their friends accept or reject them?
You have a choice. You can help your child feel accepted and loved, or you can add to their feelings of isolation. Make sure your child knows they still have a place in the family no matter what the outside world tells them. Whether your child has come out to you or if you found out inadvertently, your child needs you now. Every child’s worst fear is that by coming out their parents will reject them. No matter what your beliefs, fears or predisposition, you need to let your child know that you love him/her.
Discuss the subject of being gay without being judgmental. If your child feels uncomfortable with the manner in which you communicate with them, they will be less likely to confide in you. Explain the mechanics of what it means to be gay but don’t leave out the emotional aspect of the lifestyle. Let your child know that homosexuals share the same emotions and usually want the same things in life as straight people. They are not aliens.
Make your child aware that not all people are accepting of the gay lifestyle. Although they have the right to their own beliefs, they have no right to impose those beliefs on others. Be understanding. Help your child to express his/her feelings to you without fear of rejection or ridicule. Explain that what he/she feels now won’t necessarily be the way he/she will always feel, but that you are there for your child regardless.
Warn your child about the dangers of unsafe sexual activity. Help your child make safe and responsible choices. Find a group that your child can join that will allow him/her to discuss what your child is going through. It’s usually easier to talk to a person who has been through what your child may encounter than someone who has no concept of what to expect. It is imperative that you keep an open mind to everything that is being expressed by your child, otherwise if your child suspects you have closed off, you will run the risk of being shut out of his/her life, thoughts, concerns and dramas forever.
Your child is the same person he/she was before coming out of the closet. Remember, someone’s sexual orientation is just one part of who they are.
Take this opportunity to connect as you did before you knew he/she was gay. Make sure you continue to do the things you did as a family. Otherwise, your mixed signals will forever mix up your child’s confidence, support beliefs and self-esteem.
Angela Ardis is the author of “Inside a Thug’s Heart,” “My Mind’s Poetry” and the upcoming “The Block.” To contact Angela Ardis visit www.AngelaArdis.com or send emails to info@AngelaArdis.com.
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