Category: Relationships Written by Amber Bogins
Photo Credit: Gettys Images
Criminologists have long known that men tend to offend less after they marry. But with almost half of all marriages now ending in divorce, what effect does separation have?
Writing in the journal Psychology, Crime & Law, Delphine Theobald and David P. Farrington investigate the links between marriage, separation and male offending, using data from the Cambridge Study in Delinquent Development: a survey that has followed over 400 men born in South London for nearly 50 years.
The effects of separation on patterns of offending are clear: men whose offending reduced when they married increased their offending when that marriage broke down. The authors suggest that coming out of the routine of family life and becoming detached from social institutions may make men feel more vulnerable, give them more time to engage in undesirable behaviour and cause them financial difficulties. In the words of the authors, these men 'no longer have anything to lose'.
In their article, the researchers identify factors that help to predict separation, many of which demonstrate risk-taking or anti-social behaviour or which add to marital stress. Whether their own parents' separation made the men more likely to separate themselves is less clear. Theobald and Farrington suggest that there does appear to be a link, but that many factors come into play, especially how well the men coped with the breakdown and their own parental role models.
Evidence from this study and elsewhere reinforces the importance of good, stable family relationships to help children escape 'negative outcomes' like delinquency, substance abuse and an inability to have good relationships themselves.
The social-policy implications of Theobald and Farrington's study are also clear. They argue that it is essential to teach adolescents, especially those who have experienced family conflict, how to maintain supportive, stable relationships. They also call for more access to family support and counselling agencies, through which conflict resolution, as well as the negative influences of drink, drugs and bad company, should be addressed.
Read the full article online: http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/1068316X.2011.640635
The effects of marital breakdown on offending: results from a prospective longitudinal survey of males
Psychology, Crime & Law
Delphine Theobald, Institute of Psychiatry, UK and David P. Farrington, University of Cambridge, UK
Last Updated on Tuesday, 09 July 2013 10:40
Category: Relationships Written by Thelma Zirkelbach
The sound of silence was the most haunting for Thelma Zirkelbach on her first night home after her husband’s death.
“I’d lost my husband, but I hadn’t lost his voice, I told myself,” says Zirkelbach, who had spent so many nights the previous year at hospitals with her husband Ralph, who died not long after being diagnosed with leukemia. “I picked up the phone and there was no dial tone. If the phone was dead, Ralph’s voice would be gone forever.”
Through her panicked daze, after having sunk to the floor with her spirits, she realized the phone jack was unplugged. She plugged it in and heard his voice one more time through the answering machine. It would be the first thing she fixed around the house without Ralph’s help in decades.
“There were many moments like that in the year after his death. One of the things I had to learn was to find help from many people, whereas for most of my adult life I had the help of many in one man,” says Zirkelbach, author of “Stumbling Through the Dark,” (www.widowsphere.blogspot.com), a memoir about an interfaith couple facing one of life’s greatest spiritual challenges.
Loving couples wince at the thought of losing their spouse and may even deny the idea despite a terminal medical diagnosis, but accepting the possibility helps in preparing for the years that follow, says Zirkelbach. She offers the following tips for doing that:
• Consider the best way for all loved ones to say good-bye: Ralph’s family comes from an evangelical Christian background, whereas Thelma is Jewish. Memorial services are designed for the surviving family and friends, and Zirkelbach held a service at her synagogue, which was filled with friends and colleagues. “Make sure you do all you can to best say goodbye in your own way, which may include your religion or some other ritual,” she says.
• Take stock of the necessary services you’ll need to replace: In many ways, Ralph was an old-fashioned Midwesterner who was a handyman around the house, moved heavy boxes, dispensed with unwanted critters like cockroaches, and acted as a one-man security system. He also provided smaller services in which a companion can help, such as fastening necklaces. Since Ralph’s death nearly eight years ago, Thelma has hired her current handyman, air conditioning technician, accountant, financial advisor and attorney.
• No matter how independent you are, accept the fact that you may need emotional support: Soon after her husband’s death, Zirkelbach joined a support group for widows and widowers and found solace in the company of others who had loved and lost. At one point, the group leader connected with members by saying they were blessed to have loved someone enough to mourn them. “His statement turned grief on its head,” she says.
• Nurture your spiritual life: “I have become ‘more Jewish’ during my widowhood,” she says. “When I was a child, Judaism was part of the background of my life, like the Muzak you hear in elevators but don’t really listen to.” Now, however, religion has moved to the forefront of her life, and she adds she is thankful for the strength her faith has given her. “Yes, in spite of loss, I have still found joy in living,” she says.
Last Updated on Tuesday, 02 July 2013 09:31
Category: Relationships Written by WebMD
It's the rare couple that doesn't run into a few bumps in the road. If you recognize ahead of time, though, what those relationship problems might be, you'll have a much better chance of getting past them.
Marriage and family therapist Mitch Temple, author of The Marriage Turnaround, says that in spite of the fact that every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage them and keep their love life going. They gain success in marriage by hanging in there, tackling problems, and learning how to maneuver through the complex issues of everyday life. Many do this by reading self-help books and articles, attending seminars, going to counseling, observing other successful couples, or simply using trial and error.
Relationship Problem: Communication
All relationship problems stem from poor communication skills, according to Elaine Fantle Shimberg, author of Blending Families. "You can't communicate while you're checking your BlackBerry, watching TV, or flipping through the sports section," she says. Continue To WebMD...
Last Updated on Monday, 24 June 2013 11:01
Category: Relationships Written by Amber Bogins
(Renown Marriage Expert Hellen Chen talks 'don't point a finger but lend a hand' in a marriage workshop.)
Entitlement is defined as the guarantee of access to benefits based on established rights (Wikipedia).
In recent years, this term has surfaced in many political discussions as many Americans are finding that entitlement programs encourage non-production and non-contribution, a departure from the initial objective of helping the underserved.
In fact, a whole generation of Americans – Generation Y – has been labeled as the 'entitlement generation' and the overwhelming criticism is that this generation has been raised on conspicuous consumption, without making any worthwhile contribution back to society. It is the prevalent "you-owe-me" attitude that is preventing many young adults nfrom learning about accountability.
So does 'entitlement' creep into the marriage institution as well?
A survey done by the National Institute of Marriage, among 270 people, revealed that one of the items people want most out of their marriage is "unconditional acceptance."
Husbands and wives would like their better halves to accept who they are – with no condition imposed upon them.
So does that mean that most people would like another to accept their faults, and yet accepting another's faults is not part of the discussion?
Marriage expert and bestselling author, Hellen Chen, whose relationship advices have been published in publications in 18 countries, chimed in, "It is a typical reaction among quarreling couples 'Why should I change? Why can't he or she change first and be nicer?' What most people do not realize is, you can insist another person change for you. But you will also have to be prepared that in that insistence, this marriage could be lost and still the other person did not change."
It is no difference than insisting the welfare system to give entitlements first or while working, insist not to do more than the scope of one's job, curbing the willingness to over-contribute. Unfortunately, in the free market, there will always be someone who is more willing to contribute more and who could take over this job position. The result is no job.
"Giving is a very natural part of all of us. Since when we were young, we give – whether it is giving smiles at our mom or caring for another person, children can do it unconditionally and without hesitation." Said Chen.
According to Chen, wrong education has taught men and women to start minding who had given more, to compare vigorously -- lest one "be seen as the fool by giving too much."
In a recent article from Huffington Post, gray divorce – divorcing after 50 - is a trend that has reached record heights for baby boomers.
Chen has counseled many men and women in their marriage issues. She has often heard this type of argument as shared by an attendee of her marriage workshop.
"I have been making money to support the family and raise my children. My husband's business is not financially sound and so the whole family's finance is resting on me. It is unfair to still expect me to be a loving wife when I get home. I am just so exhausted." Said Lan, who has been married for 30 years and whose is considering to divorce her husband due to his infidelity issues.
"There is no right or wrong in love, what is fair or not fair. This is not a case where one could judge like in a courtroom." Said Chen, "We are being conditioned to always look at what we lose – whether it is pride or money or reputation etc. But we do not look at what we gain when we do practice understanding and extending our hand out to another."
In addition to being interviewed by over 200 media publications, TV and radio networks around the world, Chen has devoted her time to hold Love Workshops to give singles and couples a hands-on opportunity to practice the skills they need to create a happy marriage.
Chen cited the often overlooked fact that no one is born to be a natural wife or husband. And that if one would spend time to learn about how to drive a car or new computer programs, why wouldn't one spend time to learn how to manage a life-long affair like a relationship?
In conclusion, Chen said, "We are familiar with JFK's famous quote 'ask not what your country could do for you.' In the case of marriage, giving is not about compromising or being seen as the fool. It is often about rising above our often self-imposed limitations. And guess what, the person who gives will always end up as the winner."
Last Updated on Monday, 01 July 2013 12:41
Category: Relationships Written by Michigan Chronicle Staff
According to the Center for Disease Control, the marriage rate per 1000 in population is currently at 6.8, whereas the divorce rate per 1000 in population is 3.4.
It is commonly stated that in the US, half of the marriages are ending in divorces.
In recent years, the divorce rate among baby boomers has nearly doubled, according to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University. This trend has even earned its own name: grey divorce, which describes divorcing later in life.
Asia, Europe and the Middle Eastern countries have seen rising trends of divorce as well. In Hong Kong, the number of single parents has risen 30% in the last 10 years. In Dubai, the high divorce rate has its Ministry of Social Affairs investigating into the reasons behind Emirati couples divorcing.
If these trends continue, it is likely that marriages which last would become more of a rarity than marriages which break up.
Hellen Chen is a matchmaker extraordinaire who has dealt with men and women who have given up on relationships because of past failures.
She is lovingly called “the Matchmaker of the Century” by the people she has helped because of her tenacity in not giving up working with men and women of all ages until they find the right partner. What made her even more special is that she does not stop at the matchmaking part but continues to help couples make their relationship last.
Her book “The Matchmaker of the Century” which is about her matchmaking experiences has become a number one bestselling in relationship books on Barnes and Noble.
Being married for more than 20 years herself, Chen said that contrary to beliefs, making a marriage last is not about compromising or forgiving another’s shortcomings or being submissive. One could truly still have one’s own space while letting one’s partner have his or her own space.
“There are many Do’s and Don’ts marriage rules being talked about in marriage literature. But actually, too many rules will stress the relationship out even more and aid the breakup.” said Chen.
What are some of the ‘rules’ which are not necessary to make a relationship last?
“For example, some couples quarrel over celebration of holidays like Valentine’s Day. One wants to be romantic. And the other one has no desire to do so. Who says that no celebration means there is no love?” said Chen.
A couple whom Chen has counseled, Lily and Jeff, have been quarreling over their difference in habits and what they like to do together.
After getting Chen’s advice, wife Lily realized, “I have thought about ‘doing things together’ as the most important part as a couple. But when Jeff does not wish to go with me to do, for example, shopping, I see him as uncaring. But that is wrong thinking. He simply does not care for certain activities which I like, but there is nothing wrong about the love he has for me.”
Chen said, “My own husband likes to go out into the sun. I prefer to stay indoors. His eating habits are very different than mine. So what is the rule? No rule. We do what we each like. And still find plenty of ways to love each other.”
“There is no rule in love.” said Chen.
How about the common “must-have’s” when looking for a marital partner? For example, looks and money have been at the top of many singles’ lists of criteria. Chemistry is another major one except that looking at the rising divorce trends, chemistry in the beginning is no guarantee that the chemistry would last all the way till the very end.
Chen chimed in on this phenomenon of having to have absolutely the right person that could fit self.
“Dating websites are filled with match seekers listing out their criteria for their Mr. or Miss Right. But if those criteria are so known and followed, why is the divorce rate not going down? Why does the past generation, who does not have access to listings and criteria, do better in making their marriage last?” Chen asked.
In view of the upcoming July 4th celebration, one popular quote by John F Kennedy might apply to marriage in this case.
“The key point is this: ask not what the other partner could do for you, ask what you could do for your partner and ask how you could improve yourself at the same time.” Chen smiled.
Chen’s insights on relationships have been quoted on over 200 media publications and radio and TV interviews, in 17 countries, including United States.
She has conducted thousands of lectures which also include love workshops to help singles start their relationship right and also help couples to learn how to love deeper, and also how to salvage relationships before heading to the divorce courts.
Her interviews could be found on http://MatchmakerOfTheCentury.com
Last Updated on Friday, 21 June 2013 15:10
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